The bumpy road to love

Amelia will be 4 months next week and it official: I in love. Finally.

I been through postpartum depression with both of my girls. It numbs you, hollows you out, digs a pit in the very depths of you.

After she was born I hold her, rock her, feed her, and feel a very strange disconnect. I didn really regret her or resent her, even those feelings were beyond my reach. I just stare down at her and think how sad it was for her that she ended up with me.

Often the emptiness inside of me would fill with a rush of sadness so intense I felt it would knock me off my feet. And it did sometimes there were moments when the weight of it was so great that I couldn even stand. While I thankfully, thankfully never harboured any specific suicidal fantasies, I often think how nice it would be, for all of us, if I were just gone. What sweet relief that would give to me and to my family, whose happiness I felt sure I was standing in the way of.

My doctor would tell me over and over again, like some kind of mantra, could be a better mom to your daughter than you. And I sit there and nod but those words just bounced off me. I knew they couldn be true.

But whatever it was that was missing, that essential part of me that lets me love my girls, gradually returned. I look at Amelia now and I overwhelmed. I see her now, how her hairline is just like mine, how her gummy smile comes so easily, how determined she is as she grabs hold of her newly discovered toes. I see her entire life stretched ahead of her, a path woven of all of those precious firsts, of success and failure and joy and heartache. And I know my heart will stretch and break right along with hers. I can wait for it to all happen and I don want it to happen too soon. Finally, I feel like her mom.

Whatever doesn kill you makes you stronger, or so the saying goes. I don feel stronger for having survived two rounds of ppd. If anything it terrifying to know first hand how quickly and completely your mind can turn on you.

But still I don wish it away. This is the journey that brought me my family, my girls. We all have our own road to motherhood, none of them better or worse than the next. This has been mine.

Thank you Carolyn for this post. I suffered from mild depression before my daughter was born and it seems I had waves of it while pregnant. My PPD didn kick in full force until my daughter was a few months old. I think the weight and stress of a troubled marriage, financial crisis among other things finally brought it to a head. Since then I was put on a low dose antidepressant and have taken up some activities that use to make me extremely happy. Now I am pregnant with 2, the marriage is obviously better. The depression seems to be gone, I am off the meds feeling better than ever. I am really connecting with my daughter finally after a year! I feel close to the tiny baby inside me which I love! I think PPD should be looked at more seriously. Depression runs in my family it was so hard for me to explain this to my husband. He kept telling me I had nothing to be depressed about. I couldn help it. It was in my head!!! After he heard my family history and I thoroughly explained what a single day was like for me, he understood. The weight crushing down, feeling like the world would be better off without you, it is a lot to feel.

I believe we should share these PPD stories so we don feel so alone.

A few days after we brought our son home from his four week stay in the NICU (he was two months premature), PPD, in the form of crushing anxiety, ruined my early bonding time with my son. I felt that I had made a terrible mistake in having him, that I couldn handle it. I needed company around the clock or I would enter full blown panic mode (sometimes I did that anyway). I couldn sleep or keep much food down. After resisting for a few weeks, I finally started on Zoloft and an anti anxiety medication (which required that I stop nursing nursing, ironically, was the only time I felt OK). A month later, the Zoloft kicked in at full strength and I could quit the other med and resume nursing, and finally was able to enjoy my baby. I remember how sad I felt that I couldn parent and how alone, despite wonderful support from my husband, mother and friends.

After that experience, it took me three years to get up the courage to try again. With the meds and a great therapist on board, and a full term baby, my first three months with my daugher were a completely different experience. I finally understood new moms who loved the first three months, which I had previously seen as something to survive, not enjoy. I know some women believe that medication is not the answer, given the unknown risks it poses to their unborn child. For me, meds were essential to the health of my baby, since without them I would have been too anxious to eat for my baby nourishment in utero and incapable of being there for her. I have a different connection (not better, not worse) to my daughter than to my son because of the stark differences in those first few months.

I suffered with PPD after the birth of my now 2 year old son. It was hard then and is still hard because I can get past those lost moments of his infancy when I feel like I should have been drinking in all of those sleepless nights that I was up holding/feeding/loving my baby and all I could do was leave him in his crib to cry, my husband would have to get up because I just wouldn I felt disconnected from him and did not really feel like his mother, I felt like I was having an out of body experience and was in a movie or something was surreal and (clearly) hard for me to explain in words but it lasted until he was almost 6 months old. I will never get over those missed moments with my precious son and I would be lying if I said I weren scared to death to have another baby b/c I don want to go through that again the regret from the first baby end? Why would I want to do that to myself or another baby?? Anyone else feel this way???

Courtney Absolutely I felt that way. There a reason why there is a 4 year gap between my daughters. For the first couple of years I swore I would never have another baby, I honestly didn think I could survive it. I worried that my marriage couldn survive it, I felt like you, why would I want to put me and another baby through that? I started opening up to the idea of another when our oldest daughter was 2.5 and we started trying when she was just over 3. It was a very difficult decision, so I totally get where you coming from. And I know just what you mean when you say you felt like you were having an out of body experience during that time with your baby.

Ashley My husband was understanding and tried to be patient with me, but it was hard for him to really get what I was going through. It was like the only way to tell him was to be brutally honest. It was hard when he of course loved her so much to say, don feel anything for our baby. And I just wanted to say that I think you very brave for having another after going through such a difficult time. As I said, it was such a tough decision for me but now that the worst is behind us I soooo thankful I had my second daughter. I happy to hear you having a good pregnancy and I really hope that everything is smooth sailing for you this time around!

Paula I too went the meds route, I took Paxil the first time and am back on it now. I can really imagine how I would have handled everything without it. I grateful to every mom who talks about her own struggles with ppd. When I had my first I felt so alone. All of my friends had babies and just adored them. I felt like something was so wrong with me. The more people who are able to share their own stories the better.

This could be my story. Thank you for writing it. Mine didn kick in FULL blown until my daughter was 11 months but there were twinges of it since she came home with me. I realized that there wasn something right with me so I started going to counselling. Once the full blown attack came I went on meds. Still in the adjustment period but I am not sure that this is the right one for me.

On most days I am ok but I never want to feel the way I did that one Friday was the darkest day of my life. So will take medication until I get the ok to come off it.

Again, thank you for writing this think too many Mamas (including myself) think that if they don want to kill themselves or their babies then it isn PPD and that they don need help. We need more awareness.

Wow, that sounds exactly like what I experienced with the birth of my daughter. I denied that I had ppd, so I thought there was just something wrong with me, and that I was a bad mom for it. I also had thoughts that everyone would be better and happier without me (baby and husband), but never had thoughts of suicide. Ironically, I told myself that if I ever did have thought of hurting myself of my baby, that would be when I would seek help. Those thoughts never came, Buy Nike LeBron XII Men Black Orange Purple Online so I never did. The only time I started to feel normal was when I went back to work and got away from my baby (which, of course, made me feel like an even worse mom). At about 2.5 months, I looked at my daughter one day, and realized that I had fallen in love with her. And it has only deepened in the 8 months since.

I truely wish I had seen my ppd for what it is, and dealt with it. I am so anxious to have another baby, so just maybe I can get it right this time. I get help right away, and not just expect my husband to deal with the depressed me. I won waste the special newborn moments, and I will love every minute of being a new mommy (ok, so maybe not the sleepless nights, or the projectile spit up).

I cried after reading this post.

Of all the things that I have read about mothers and their individual struggles with PPD, never have I read something that touched me so resonated with me. It felt It was the most personal description I read, and your feelings about PPD mirror mine almost exactly. I have two children of my own and have dealt with PPD since the birth of my second son almost 10 months ago. Gosh, just reading that last sentence back to myself, it seems like it been such a long time every day, you make a little bit of a breakthrough. Every day, you fight to reclaim what it is that makes you feel Every day, you draw closer and closer to that mom you know you are and could always be.

Thanks for a good read, Nike Air Huarache Run Ultra Unisex Black Grey White Dublin Carolyn. I needed it.

wow, it amazing how many women suffer from PPD. We all have our stories. I suffered for 12 months in silence, scared they would take my baby girl or lock me up in the loony bin. I thought it was just my hormones from breastfeeding and giving birth so when I stopped breastfeeding and the horrible thoughts kept coming, I knew I needed help. Thankfully, my husband an Advance Life Support Paramedic, has a degree in micro biology and immunology knew how and why I depressed. He understood it was a chemical imbalance and not me. He knew I was good mother. I am on a low dose antidepressant and continued to be with my second baby. My psychiatrist said a very small part would be passed on but it was for my benefit to continue to take the drug. Thank you Carolyn for writing so eloquently. I admire your courage to speak the unspeakable don understand why women are scared to speak about PPD and how hardest job in the world comes with both happiness and sadness.

Your friendYou are all very brave women and mothers. I had prenatal depression from week 4 and it was the worst thing I have ever been through. I coudlnt take antidepressants and I had to bear a huge amount of pain while pregnant, my fianc left me and asked me to abort because for him having a depression was like being a nutter. Now I am a single mom, but I am the happiest person on eart for having my healthy and beautiful baby. I wish I could write to every woman on earth and tell them that depression is nothing to feel embarassed about, it is,as s husband said a chemical imbalance that can be resolved with a bit of chemical aid. I wish all women knew this,it has nothing to do with your baby, your hard time you are having nursing your baby, your lack of sleep of how you see things or your childhood. Therapy doesnt have to do anything and cant fix pre natal or post natal depression, it is an illness and psychiatics only do therapy for the money. It wont heal us because there is nothing wrong with our external situation, it is our brains that need a bit more of serotonin. Please Moms, Air Jordan 14 DMP 4847471-022 Men Black Gold Ireland Online if you have got post partum depression, dont give it a second thought,take antidepressants for a while, they are not the in person as some people say, and it will let you take care of your child properly and bond with them, who are the best there is in life.

It is amazing how many women go through PPD. I believe that I suffer from it, also. I was really depressed after I had my son. I talked to my doctor and she put me on Zoloft. It helped, but my husband made me feel bad for taking it. He said nothing was wrong with me and that I shouldn take it. He even went so far as to take my pills and flush them down the toilet.